Sex on the Spot:
Once a couple has grown out of the “honeymoon stage,” sex rarely happens on its own. We put the other person above all else in the early stages of a relationship. We set up dates. We are continuously texting/talking. We’re looking forward to the next time we get to see them. It’s exhilarating, but it’s not long-term. Life eventually catches up with us, and our relationship becomes more comfortable, solid, and dependable (I know, not the most exciting terms). We have a lot on our plates. There’s a lot going on right now. It is critical to have a solid and secure home life. It simply does not encourage hot, spontaneous sex. We wouldn’t just expect that a crucial meeting will happen on its own, would we? In both our professional and personal lives, we schedule, prepare, and plan for these significant events. What makes you think sex is any different?
When I work with my couples to create goals for improving their sex life, the majority of them give me a number. I’m quick to dismiss the concept that more sex is desirable. I believe they desire better sex. Isn’t wonderful sex on a regular basis preferable than mediocre sex on a daily basis? You will feel more connected and happy if we shift our aims to higher quality sex. It’s even more crucial to arrange good quality sex because our schedules might be endless and draining. My partners should have sex shortly after they have had sex, while the oxytocin is circulating!
Disagreement in desires
The vast majority of the couples I see come to counseling because they have a desire difference, which means one partner wants more sex than the other. At some point in almost every relationship, this happens. This causes no problems for some couples, but it can lead to divorce in others. What if you plan on having sex but aren’t in the mood? I advise my clients to keep a list of “consolation awards” on hand. Choose from the following alternatives if they are accessible to you at the time: a massage, oral, mutual masturbation, showering together, and snuggling. You and your lover have every right to refuse sex; the key thing is to keep the bond alive.
Many couples find it difficult to start the process of sex scheduling. So, here are some suggestions for prioritizing sex in order to make it feel pleasant and exciting:
- Figure out what works best for you in terms of scheduling. You might choose certain dates a month at a time if you have an inconsistent schedule. Alternatively, you might feel at ease declaring Friday night to be sex date night.
- Make it one-of-a-kind. Remind yourself (and each other) that the date is approaching so that excitement might build. Dress up, shave, take a bath, whatever it takes to feel revitalized and at ease.
- Make the most of your sex dates by trying new activities. For each of your dates, you can choose a theme. Experiment with new toys, goods, or positions.
- Changing up your routine is a great way to add variety to your life. It can be thrilling to challenge yourself to abandon some sexual choreography that you’ve been doing for a long time. This forces you to make your sexual script more interesting.